When Peter and I were stationed in Germany, there were a number of times that we were able to visit the Alps. In fact, my favorite story to tell was the particular visit we had where for the small sum of about $6.50, we could take a carriage ride up the mountain. How romantic! Did I mention I was 7 months pregnant and the size of a small beached whale? (I’m being kind here.) But my dear,sweet husband opted for the “more scenic” approach of walking up the mountain… with his 7 month pregnant wife… up the mountain… with his PREGNANT WIFE. You get the picture. But I’m not bitter. Moving on…
The Alps were breathtaking. Truly a remarkable creation of our Lord. I felt as if I had stepped into the sound of music and envisioning that I was Maria, I wanted to sing from the peaks, swinging my arms around and around.
I read recently that grief is like a mountain turned upside down. The higher your love abides, the lower your depths of sorrow.
My love for Molly was like the Himalayas. You could not see it’s end. It just kept rising. It was vast and enormous. Powerful and overwhelming. She was my child and I felt like I had no end to my love for her. And I still don’t.
Now the mountain is turned upside down.
Like an iceberg, you only see the cap of my pain. But underneath the waters, there is a massive enormity that really knows no end.
Where does it stop? What is it’s depth?
The only answer we know is to the question, where is it? It is here. And it is staying.
Some days we feel like we have just scratched the surface. Then others, something hits and we see into the water. The mass underneath is terrifying to say the least.
I miss the mountain. I know that my love for Molly is still as tall and grand. My affections for her will never shrink or diminish. But right now, we are like the Titanic. Just crashing into this iceberg of grief and at times, drowning in it.
“In my distress I called upon the LORD, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even into his ears.” ~ Ps. 18:6″
“I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.” ~Ps. 121:1
The love of God, which is the largest of scale mountains, will be my help. His love is so high and so deep I still can’t understand it. I can’t grasp the immensity of love He has for me. And it’s because of that I will not drown next to this iceberg of grief.
The waters are deep and the ends are not seen, but neither are the heights of the mountains. I pray we keep our eyes up.
Posted July 16, 2015