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Silence

 ” How long wilt thou forget me, O LORD? forever? how long wilt though hide thy face from me? How long shall I take counsel in my soul, having sorrow in my heart daily?…Consider and hear me, O LORD my God: lighten mine eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death.”~Psalm 13:1-3

Silence can be deafening. Silence can almost seem louder than a multitude of noises around you. For it’s in the silence that you have to actually hear. Hear what? Hear pain. Hear hurt. Hear loneliness. Hear loss.
I’ve been feeling this silence from God for weeks now. I read daily, seeking what He has for me. A desperate scramble, almost, to find a nugget to get me through the day. I pray, I talk to God and pour out my heart. I tell Him how much this ache keeps getting worse when I though it would get better. I tell Him that I only wish to have Molly back for a moment. To hug her. To tell her how much I love her and how incredibly proud I am of the person she is. To whisper to her in her in ear all the little things I love about her and know I will never find in another person again.
My response from God has been silence. 
What I have to hold on to is past conversations with Him. Past promises He has given. Past strengths He has granted to carry me through.
I know that I have not been abandoned for His Word says He will NEVER leave me or forsake me.
So where is He? Why isn’t He speaking? 
I don’t have an answer.
I do know that in times past, when I decided to be silent and just listen, God has revealed something amazing to me. Perhaps I am on the brink of something incredible. Perhaps the Mighty Creator, who graciously loves me and has carried this far, is not done with me and wants to share more.
It’s just that the silence is so painful. It’s so hard. And I just don’t like it.
But I suppose nothing worth waiting for is really that easy. So I will keep going. Keep listening. Waiting quietly for that still small voice.
Posted July 11, 2015

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