We have met so many beautiful people on this journey. We have had the privilege to watch others be used by God while they bless our family in so many ways. We’ve received meals, gifts, cards, money, special experiences, hugs, smiles, encouraging words and more. At times, it is overwhelming. This Christmas season is no exception. People tend to be extra kind and generous this time of year and we have been on the receiving end of that generosity.
I have had a few people imply that we are ungrateful for all the things received… and it hurt. People are people. We’ve all said things we didn’t really think before spoken. So I don’t harbor bitterness in my heart. But once the words are spoken, they linger. I never want to come off ungrateful for all the things we have received. So please never take it that way.
With that being said, my heart breaks into a thousand pieces today. When I stand here, looking around my home and think of all the experiences we have had this week, I can’t help but wish it all away… just like Molly’s tumor. Today it is a reminder of why we have it all. Molly is dying. She will not be with us forever. And I can’t bear the thought this morning. I can’t think of waking up NOT hearing her voice, seeing her smile, smelling her hair.
You see, Molly is not a story.
She is not a new cause to support and get revved up about for a time and then move on. She is not an article in the paper to make you feel sad about childhood cancer for a moment and then continue on with your day. She is not a picture on a card. This is a real child. This is a real family. These are real sisters. And it hurts and is painful and raw.
I know people care. And I know by writing this I risk offending someone. But my heart is whispering these words today and they spill out. I wish for Molly to be more than she appears to be to others at times. I wish for her to be the beautiful light she is in our world. She shines so bright and brings such joy to our hearts.
Now, I could leave the post at that. But I know that God would not be glorified in my despair and heartache. We do realize that Molly is changing lives. Ours. She is teaching us strength. She is teaching us compassion. She is teaching us to look beyond our own noses. Lessons that will live on past her. God made this possible. How else could you find any good in something so bad?
So in sadness, we find hope still. We see that there is hope for change. Maybe we can’t change others, but we are changing ourselves. Changing into what God wants us to be. That is truly why Molly is in our lives… to help change us. And for that I will be forever grateful.
Written December 21, 2014