I used get so excited about the first day of school. New outfit. Fresh box of crayons. Sharp pencils. And the possibility of starting over fresh. All mistakes felt in the past. I could create a new me.
I now find myself in a similar place. A new beginning. However, the feeling is anything but excitement. Other words come to mind. Lost. Horrified. Sad. Confused.
For the last year, I have been living this obscure reality that really only we could understand. Since the word “terminal” hit my ear drum, all that I knew vanished and this new creation of life came into existence.
It started with the bombshell hitting us. But once time went by, our new life was consumed with a “normal” that was anything but. Doctor appointments, trials, pills, temper tantrums, vomiting, and so much more. This was the new routine and in a way we cruised through it.
Then came hospice.
This was perhaps the longest part of the journey. The care, exhaustion, and changes were so big and yet so slow, we began to wear out. But this was still our life. Still our normal.
Then we said ‘Good bye’.
Like a raging hurricane, we were swept away into immense grief, intertwined with family, friends, planning, and decisions.
It’s been two weeks since then and I find myself sitting in the middle of the house not knowing what to do with myself. Everything I knew has suddenly vanished and I am left with nothing and everything all at once.
No Molly to care for. No hospital bed to look at. No routine of pills to give. No nurses to visit.
But pieces of devastation are scattered all over this house. In the pictures on the wall, in the laundry still in her laundry basket and in the tears on Clara’s cheeks.
It’s so unnatural, this thing we call loss. It’s so enfeebling, the emotion of it all.
They say that time will heal. I can’t say I know that is fully true. A part of my heart is forever gone from this world. And I don’t wish it to be fully healed, because that means I have forgotten. But I also know there must be a balance between hurt and healed.
Day by day and with each passing moment, grace we’ll find, to meet our trials here.
God help us to do so…
Posted June 9, 2015