Perhaps one of the hardest letters to write, I write to you. As I sit here remembering all the fun times we have had, secret jokes, private laughs, crying shoulders, shopping trips, hospital visits, and so much more, I am reminded that I miss you.
Life has been hectic, as you very well know. My days are no longer structured and predictable. They are hectic and ever-changing. One moment things seem normal, then the next, my child is throwing up. She has a headache. We are in for the day.
Just like a newborn in many ways, there is rising in the night at all hours, helping her change her clothes, bathroom visit after bathroom visit, and cleaning up messes that no longer can be cleaned up by herself.
I do not write this to have you feel bad for me. I desire to take care of her. I need to take care.
I write this to let you simply know that you are not forgotten. You are still loved. You are very much missed.
For now, God has called me to this very high calling called Motherhood. He has also called me to care for a very delicate and sometimes difficult family circumstance. I need to be with my family. I need to etch in my mind every smile and heartbeat. I need to see, feel, touch as much as I can, because the day that I can make those phone calls to you again, will be the day that I can no longer kiss those cheeks of hers.
So know that I love you. Know that my heart desires to talk to you. But more than anything, my heart yearns to be right here, right now. Living every single moment alert and aware of all that is going on around me so that I don’t miss a thing.
One day we will catch up. One day we can have that meal out that we have been planning for months. One day, we will get to talk on the phone for hours. It’s just that, today cannot be that day.
Love always and forever,
Written December 11, 2014