The last few days have been the most intense, emotional, and exhausting to date. I could fill page upon page with all of the thoughts and emotions that went through my head. But I won’t do this. The one thing that keeps rolling around inside my mind is the biggest lesson that I learned.
I think the reason this lesson sticks with me is because I am an experience learner. I can’t just read something and it sticks. No. I need to touch, put together, and live the very thing I am learning. So when I did Anatomy in college, I did very well. Organic chemistry was much harder for me to grasp. I can’t touch, put together, or relate fully to all of these things on the periodic table. But I could feel a bone, build a cell model, and dissect a cat. (I know, gross. 😉
When Molly woke from her second day of anesthesia, she woke hard. She was coming off of a 24 hour period that was full of surgery of the brain and 3 hours of sleep. She was exhausted. But for some reason, she took this time much harder. She yelled. She screamed. She cried. She hit. I had never heard such awful things come out of her mouth before.
“I hate you.”
“You are the worst Mother in the whole world.”
“I will never love you.”
“You made me go through this.”
“Go away. I don’t need you anymore.”
I would be lying if I said that these words didn’t hurt. They did for sure. They crushed me. And even though I knew she had no control over herself… the slurred speech kind of gave it away… I still couldn’t help but feel like they were some how true. But I continued to help her. I continued to stay by her side. I pulled up her socks. I helped her sit up straight. I kissed her forehead. All of these actions were possible because of a Mother’s love. I feel that nothing Molly could do would ever pull that love out of me and make it go away. She may hurt me or disappoint, but I will always love her. And I will always want her to be safe and happy.
Is this not how Jesus felt when He was being ridiculed and mocked? When they nailed Him to the tree, did He not still love those that took the thorny crown and drove it into his head? Christ wanted those scorners and sinners to join His heavenly family despite all words and violence.
The same is true now. I daily reject my Saviour with my actions and doings. I hurt Him with my unkind words and prideful attitude. And yet, He stays. As hard as I push Him from my presence, He patiently waits for me to call for Him in the darkness and He returns to my side.
That love, that loyalty, that patience is so beautiful and perfect, it’s hard to fully understand. But I got a glimpse of it the other day. Not that I compare anything that I have been through to what my Lord has endured, but I think He uses things throughout our lives as reminders of who He is, and who He wants us to be.
I hope to never face another day like Friday again. But the reality is, my loved ones will hurt me again. And I just pray I remember my Lord, and His never-ending love for me.
Written November 8, 2014