Not Enough

Moms are notorious for scrutinizing themselves in every area of life.
“Did I hug the kids enough today?”
“Did they eat enough vegetables?”
“Did I discipline enough? Not enough?”
“Are my kids independent enough? Have I taught them enough life skills at this point?”

Enough. Enough. Enough. 

I swear, every single time I start questioning my motives and actions, ‘enough’ is added to the sentence.

My conclusion to it all is this:

I will NEVER be enough.

Now some would frown about that statement. Maybe pat my back and tell me that I AM enough and that I am being hard on myself, but here is what I am learning.
The day that I am “enough” is the day that I lose sight of God’s vision for my children, my marriage, myself.
The popular phrase, God will not give you more than you can handle, is bunk. I am calling it what it is.
God so desires us to come to a place that we are in acceptance with the fact that we cannot make it without Him. Sometimes it takes losing a job, a marriage falling apart, or a child dying to get there, but He wants us all there.
Why?
Well, the way I see it, God can do everything better than us anyway. He made us. He knows the future and the past. He knows all the characters in our play. He has all power and might to get done what needs to, but also more gentleness and patience than I ever hope to possess.

As I drove with my girls today, deep conversations of the heart came out. Buried far below the surface, both were dealing with hurts that I couldn’t help but feel responsible for. After all, I introduced them into the situation that they were struggling with. I felt like a failure to my kids and to my God.

“God, have we done the right thing here? You have called us not to an easy life, but a life where we love you and our neighbor. A life where we defend the widow and fatherless. A life where we are separate and apart from the norm. A life that is surrendered to service. But here we serve, and my daughters’ hearts lie in shambles, teetering on the verge of  more loss and pain. God, where am I wrong here? What do I do to fix this?”

You see, God called our entire family to this particular ministry that we are in. Loving the fatherless and welcoming them into our home with the open arms of Christ. But like we said today, it would be so much easier to sit in a pew and go to church. Maybe teach a Sunday school class and hold a baby in the nursery. With those ministries, there is an end until next Sunday.
But this kind of radical love that we are in has no break.
And it is hard.
And feels completely thankless.
That’s when my “enough” comes in and must get out of the way.
I hinder my family’s ministry from growth and joy so many days because I step in the way to get it all done.
I must ooze love, mercy, grace, patience, faith, and self control… but I do with what I possess, and I see that it is enough to get me until about 8:15 A.M.
I desire God to swoop in like a SWAT team and direct the day.
Be kind here.
Discipline like this.
Love hard now.
Be quiet and let this pass.
See, my enough is so little. But His enough can get me to 8:15 P.M. and beyond. The real question is, will I let HIM be enough?