9 Lessons of Motherhood
1. A Snickers bar can be eaten in the pantry in 3.2 seconds This skill needs to be mastered. Caramel and delicious nougat does not simply slide down your gullet so easily, however, chewing takes time. This is where the craft comes in. Also, to unwrap said candy is extremely difficult without making noise. Only the Olympian Mothers have really mastered this. Something to strive for…
2. Caffeine is made from the sweat of angels
A mother knows that the secret to a functioning day involves the magical and glorious substance called caffeine. No matter what way you receive it, it’s a necessity. Yes, there are some that manage without it, but I have a sneaking suspicion that someone is slipping it in their tea or water. There are also those that have sworn off of caffeine as it can be considered a drug. I look at it as a positive thing that I am addicted to caffeine rather than heroine. You are welcome, my children.
3. It is OK to lie about what you are reading
Sure, I love to read. But let’s be honest, I don’t have any mental ability at the end of the day to complete a sentence, let alone read one. So when I am asked what I am reading, I think it perfectly acceptable to leave out the title of the Bernstein Bears and explain the main plot as follows.
“This series is amazing! It’s about this family who sets up a home in the woods, because there was no where else to go. They must learn how to survive as they face the dangers of lack of nutrion (Too Much Junk Food), threatening ousiders (Don’t Talk to Strangers), and even shunning of the local community (No Girls Allowed). There are lies and deception (The Truth), terror and fear (In the Dark), and of course, constant drama (Get in a Fight). It’s a real nail biter (The Bad Habit).”
4.The game of Life is longer than my real life
And don’t even get me started on Monopoly…
5.Looks change the world
Mama looks, that is. You know, the one from across the church that says, “Don’t you dare.”
Or the look you give when the kids are about to tell a family secret to the new neighbor on the street. But when they see it, they feel the icy cold chill down their back and they stop talking.
6.Tablets are wicked…awesome
There are just some days that I need a break. And that glowing screen sweetly calls my name and says, “Don’t you worry. I will take it from here…”
7. Dirty clothing multiplies in our sleep
The mathematical equation is too long to share on a blog, but if you would like to come to my house and help my wash some clothes, I will be happy to show you the evidence that I have to prove this.
8. Legos, Polly Pockets, and Shopkins are a product of the Pharmaceutical compaines
If you have ever stepped on these toys in the dark than you know that the pain is worse than child birth. And if you get an epidural during THAT, then what drug could you possibly need prescribed to you to make the pain of a Lego underfoot go away?! Also, the mental anguish of organizing all these items is enough to throw my hands up and request a higher dose of whatever Tammy Faye was on.
9. There is nothing better than this life
Though the life is full of sacrifices and giving up the last bite, the first try, the extra hour… I wouldn’t trade it for a thousand more lives. These kids keep me in my place, humble, and laughing. I never quite knew joy (and insanity) until they came along.
So to my girls, thank you for making me “Mama”. You are the spunk and energy that keeps me going.
To my mom, I am just sorry. The check is in the mail. Along with a case of paxil and a lifetime supply of massages.