It’s been a while since I’ve been able to write. My fingers and heart have longed to type out words from inside, but I simply haven’t had the time.
I hesitate writing all that is going on because I don’t want anything to be taken the wrong way. Even though many say I have every right to feel whatever feelings appears, for those that haven’t gone through this, you may not understand. But I’ve determined to be truthful and real. My goal in writing has always been therapeutic. And if not one other person reads this, I will still be happy because I got it out. Yes, I know there are journals, but honestly, I’m too lazy to use a pen.
In the beginning of this phase, this stage of hospice care and waiting, Molly rejected my care. She was angry and let me do nothing for her. I was hurt and devastated that she didn’t want her Mother to care for her. My, oh, my, how the pendulum has swung the other way. Molly requires me to do all her care. She not only requires it, but demands that I do everything for her.
She needs to be fed. Taken to the bathroom. Cleaned. Changed. I even do the coloring for her.
Hospice stated in the beginning of all this, that their desire was to aid us in many areas, but one in particular was to help us be parents and not always care givers. You would think the two intertwine, and in a way they do. But when Molly is constantly needing physical care, it is very hard for me to be mentally there or even have the energy for the happy, more fun moments.
Molly has refused any home aide care for right now. I understand her need for privacy and the desire for me to do all her bathroom and personal care needs. I want her to continue to have as much dignity as possible. But when she will not let anyone else even hold her piece of paper as she tries to color, well, it gets draining.
I have found myself in a different place than I have been in this whole journey. I have not once gotten angry at God. It is by His amazing grace that I have not felt a twinge of betrayal or that I was somehow cheated. I was never promised a certain amount of days with Molly. I was never assured that my life would be easy. And I am fully aware that God’s plan is always best.
But these past couple of weeks I have felt it cruel that God would continue our life in this state. No end in sight. No healing of hearts. No relief. (And this is where I hesitate in writing in fear that someone would think I am giving up and am done loving Molly. That is NEVER EVER the case.) I have only been able to look at my exhaustion, horror, and sorrow that has been before me. My vision has been skewed.
It’s true. I have no idea what God is doing right now. We don’t understand why he’s letting this suffering continue. But that’s not for us to find out right now. There will be a day. For now, obedience is on the menu. Blind Faith. Falling backwards kind of trust. And I lost it for a bit. I was being clouded by what I was feeling and not what was true. Feelings have the knack for doing that. They cloud the facts.
But as God always does, He remembered me and gave me His word.
As I was reading through the story of Abraham, I saw something that I never noticed before. Abraham, who was commanded by God to sacrifice his only son, traveled for three days before he got to his destination to perform the sacrifice.
Can you imagine what that journey was like? Three days of knowing what you were to do, what was to come, what you would see and experience, and yet he kept putting one foot in front of the other. Why? Because he was focused on the act of obedience, not the journey to get there.
This blew my socks off.
We know what is going to come. We know what will happen at the end. We know the dark, ugly, and scary. The sorrow and sadness. The final good-bye before us. But I don’t think God intends us to focus there. He intends us to obey and keep going. Not to look down at our own two feet, but at Him as he waves His arms in the direction to go next. It reminds me of a toddler learning to walk. When they look down at their feet, they stumble. But when they keep their eyes on their parent, they make it farther.
So the lesson learned, which seems like a funny one to learn during a time like this, is obedience. 100% trust that what God commands is 100% what I’m to do. Thank God I don’t have to come up with the next step myself. Because I would have lost it a long time ago.
So I am determined to continue on and obey. If anything, I know this little truth:
“For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure…That ye may be blameless and harmless…among whom ye shine as lights in the world.” Philippians 2:13,15
So shine on!
Posted March 12, 2015